I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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