I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
