All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
this boner is exhausting
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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