in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
