guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
