Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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