When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Randomize
