dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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