Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
