there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
