i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
