we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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