theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
