i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
someone owes me an orgasm
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
