You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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