I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Randomize
