I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize