just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
