Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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