I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
