i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
