she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
