phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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