2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
