The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
