you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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