So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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