I faked an abortion last night.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
