I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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