As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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