You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Less talking, more tequila
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
