Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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