i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
