They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize