broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
