the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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