I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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