Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
