the condom got lost in my hair
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
