The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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