Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
