3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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