if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
