I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
