R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
birth control should be required to get into college
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
