Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
