the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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