i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
