I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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