We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Randomize
