Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
