i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
