I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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