You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
