I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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