I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Randomize
