Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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