he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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