he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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