took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
