can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
