Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
